Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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