i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
