i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
