Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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