Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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