if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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