I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
