woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
