I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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