I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
