my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
