Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
