i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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