she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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