I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
