He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
