Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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