He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
