best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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