I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
