he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
