I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
