Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
FUCK WHALES
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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