apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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