I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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