i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
