Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
