if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
