if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Barsexuality is the new black.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
