he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
