i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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