Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I touched a dick in church today
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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