A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
