So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
