Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
