I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
