the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
