How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
