its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
