awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
