I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
