Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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