He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
