i just wanna soil my oats bro
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
