I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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