he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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