It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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