Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
