dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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