I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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