I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Everclear isn't food dammit
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
