Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Pants are for mortals
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
