Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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